Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
