I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
