Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
