i jhust puked up my retainher.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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