My sheets look like a crime scene.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
