I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
