So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
