Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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