This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish you could order shots online.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
