i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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