I'm gonna have a badass scar
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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