tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
