just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
