Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
