my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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