I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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