I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Is it because I queefed?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This is the high leading the old right now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
