i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize