So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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