did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
