My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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