Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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