I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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