her vagina looked like bernie madoff
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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