2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
