My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my phone needs a breathalizer
tell your sister to shave her snatch
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
