tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
