Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
