He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
