Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
