I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
