the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
