And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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