what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i came on her dog
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
