take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
