Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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