Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Blood and glitter go together right?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
