Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
