Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize