My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
