Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
