I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
