I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she told me i tasted like america
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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