My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
