I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he was CRYING into my vagina
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
