It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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