This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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