YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
