Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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