what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
