ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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