if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
