in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize