my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
