they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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