oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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