Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Randomize
