do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
